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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Looking For Grace While Frustrated in Front of the Fridge

There are times when I feel like I feel like I've lost all the grace that I'm able to give this world, and in particular, my family.   This has been exacerbated by the fact that my spiritual life has seemed to vaporize before me over the last couple of months.  Nevertheless, I still feel God near because, well, God is always for me and with me.   His grace is always enough for me.  

Yesterday I found myself at the end of my rope and felt like I was suspension bridge as the last of the cords unraveled from the post.  In addition to my children wearing my patience thin, work had proved to be quite overwhelming that day.  And after cooking dinner for the kids, I simply wanted to sit down and raise my feet on the recliner.   

Fat chance.

I couldn't seem to leave the kitchen no matter how hard I tried.  Dirty dishes, hot food, hot oven, frozen meat, and spilled lemonade all beckoned me to stay with them.   When I finally attempted to rearrange the freezer to make room for the fish sticks and tater tots, an entire shelf leapt at me and cascaded about a dozen frozen packages onto me and then the floor.   

That's when I told God how I felt.  And I was NOT happy with Him.

I got on my knees to pick up the ziplock bags and scattered tots on the floor when in tears I started talking, "God, why do you do this to me?  I can't do this.  This is not the way I want to worship You."

Then it hit me.  An invisible stream of warmth made my body tingle while goose bumps danced upon my arms.  It was God's silent grace lifting my burden ever so gently.   By that time I was on both knees on the kitchen floor with my hands over my head.  And I realized something I said that brought me conviction of spirit.  I wanted to worship God on MY terms, not His.  I acknowledged to Him that I was looking to worship Him when it was convenient for me and not simply because He is Yahweh... the I AM.  

I realized where my heart was, and it wasn't in a good place.   Quite frankly, it's not been in a good place a lot lately.  I've been less patient, more easily frustrated, and I've often raised my voice at my kids more than I've spent nurturing them and showering them with kisses and love.   This inner conviction was so gentle  and has continued until this evening when I had to have a heart to heart with my son.   Not once did I raise my voice but disciplined him with a loving, gentle spirit... very much the same way I felt the Holy Spirit's tender conviction yesterday on the kitchen floor.  And he received my exhortation with little  static from him in return.

You know what the Bible says about mercy, huh?  Mercy triumphs over judgement.

Thank you for your holiness and grace, precious Abba.

8 comments:

  1. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing :-)

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  2. what a great blog!

    have a nice time!
    Paula

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  3. We all have days like this. Me, more often. I find it difficult to keep my heart in the right place. I know I love God more now as I ever did in my other gender, but I am still miserable because I cannot fully be the person I need to be. Your posting on this blog has helped me tremendously because I have worshipped with you. However, my problem is "me". I wish I could accept myself as you accept yourself. You are very pretty and such a wonderful Christian person. Love ya.

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  4. What a brutally honest post. But also, Lori, what a solid display of your faith, which I so respect.

    It has been some time since you wrote this. I do hope things are looking up. Why wouldn't they? You have your faith to keep you going...

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  5. Hi Lori, met you over on Eternal Lizdom. I thought I should come and introduce myself. I like your thoughts on Christianity and spirituality and will be back for more....

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  6. Thanks for visiting my site, Gaelikaa. I'll have to check out your blog too!

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  7. I received a comment from a friend named Roanne but inadvertently deleted the comment because I accidentally hit the delete button instead of publish! Here's the comment:

    Following the Lord from a distance is never a good thing. Peter followed from a distance and soon found himself denying Jesus 3 times. He of course was harder on himself than Jesus. Jesus just wanted Peter to be honest and real about their relationship. Honest and real along with being in Spirit and Truth is how God wants to be worshiped. We all need to learn that in our hearts at one time or another. It can be painful and hard to endure just like what Peter went through, but oh the beauty that is revealed on the other side cannot compared to the foul person we once were before knowing Christ. Be encourage my friend! Hugs,

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  8. And grace comes in those unexpected moments and unexpected places. With humor He touched you down on your knees collecting the frozen packages - a gentle reminder. Love? yes Love!

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