Yesterday I found myself at the end of my rope and felt like I was suspension bridge as the last of the cords unraveled from the post. In addition to my children wearing my patience thin, work had proved to be quite overwhelming that day. And after cooking dinner for the kids, I simply wanted to sit down and raise my feet on the recliner.
I couldn't seem to leave the kitchen no matter how hard I tried. Dirty dishes, hot food, hot oven, frozen meat, and spilled lemonade all beckoned me to stay with them. When I finally attempted to rearrange the freezer to make room for the fish sticks and tater tots, an entire shelf leapt at me and cascaded about a dozen frozen packages onto me and then the floor.
That's when I told God how I felt. And I was NOT happy with Him.
I got on my knees to pick up the ziplock bags and scattered tots on the floor when in tears I started talking, "God, why do you do this to me? I can't do this. This is not the way I want to worship You."
Then it hit me. An invisible stream of warmth made my body tingle while goose bumps danced upon my arms. It was God's silent grace lifting my burden ever so gently. By that time I was on both knees on the kitchen floor with my hands over my head. And I realized something I said that brought me conviction of spirit. I wanted to worship God on MY terms, not His. I acknowledged to Him that I was looking to worship Him when it was convenient for me and not simply because He is Yahweh... the I AM.
I realized where my heart was, and it wasn't in a good place. Quite frankly, it's not been in a good place a lot lately. I've been less patient, more easily frustrated, and I've often raised my voice at my kids more than I've spent nurturing them and showering them with kisses and love. This inner conviction was so gentle and has continued until this evening when I had to have a heart to heart with my son. Not once did I raise my voice but disciplined him with a loving, gentle spirit... very much the same way I felt the Holy Spirit's tender conviction yesterday on the kitchen floor. And he received my exhortation with little static from him in return.
You know what the Bible says about mercy, huh? Mercy triumphs over judgement.
Thank you for your holiness and grace, precious Abba.